DISCLAIMER: [This post nor any other are meant to reflect pity or gloom and doom, and are not written to invoke a “your an inspiration” response. Writing is my personal outlet and my hope is that these reach someone who can find help or comfort in these words]
Many times I have seen a quote that says, “Just because someone carries it well doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy.” I am not sure who said this originally, but whoever the author is was telling the truth. I feel that oftentimes when it comes to having an obvious physical disability, people assume that the most challenging things you face are outward physical challenges. However, I think for many of us it’s the internal challenges that can be more heavy.
At a very young age, I began to realize people were going to look at me differently. I was going to be misunderstood. I noticed people staring. My parents would often get questions, probably the most common being, “What’s wrong with him?”. I still get this question today, and for the sake of honesty, it gets harder to respond to this question in a polite manner. That being said, shoutout to my parents for showing restraint on the receiving end of these questions and leading by example. For whatever reason, society views disability as not okay or “something wrong”. I don’t think it ever really bothered me as a kid that I had cerebral palsy; it’s just the way I was and that was okay. I struggled with the fact that it wasn’t okay with other people.
I feel like in different ways throughout my life I have tried to make people understand that yes I do have CP but I am capable. The way I am is okay; there is nothing “wrong” with me. People like to make assumptions. We are all guilty of it, myself included. I have been on the receiving end of a lot of assumptions. People have often assumed just by looking at me and seeing that I have an obvious disability, that I am not an intelligent and capable person. I realized these assumptions and misperceptions people held for me at an early age. This has had a major impact on me.
I have often felt that I had to work extra hard to disprove any misperceptions or assumptions someone might have of me. Even today at 27 years old, when I have to speak, interact with new people in a social setting, or even deal with sales people at a store, I have a lot of anxiety at times because I am hyper aware that they could be judging me, making assumptions, or automatically writing me off. These are all things that I have experienced.
I know that even with extra effort a lot of people just won’t get it, because a lot of it is just ignorance. I know who I am, and I know what I am capable of. That doesn’t mean that after a while it doesn’t weigh on you
I believe to a certain degree no matter how much we protest it we all care somewhat about what others think of us. You might be wondering why I am telling you all of this. Recently, it’s been on my mind. I have been thinking about what all of this looked like while I was a kid versus now as an adult. The disappointing truth is that it hasn’t changed much. I am still facing doubts, misperceptions, and ignorance at the hands of others and struggling with my self confidence. Honestly, this will probably be a lifelong battle for me. It will be okay.
In the last three years, I have experienced a lot of change. I finished grad school and was in the market for a job. The job search was REALLY tough. I was confident because I was qualified, or at least I thought. I am being really honest with y’all in this one. If you’ve read the very first blog post I wrote sharing my testimony, then you might remember me talking about accepting my CP as it was, and that subconsciously I was holding on to the hope that I would just be able to walk and be “okay”. Well, recently I have been convicted that in a similar way something in me was thinking my degrees and my resume was going to erase ignorance and misperceptions. Obviously we know that is not the case. As I struggled to find a job that was a good fit, I had one of the biggest blows to my confidence in years. I began to question if it was the disability and if people would ever see past it. I have had a few different job opportunities since. I am currently in a work environment where I am accepted, and I am blessed by my coworkers every day.
However, between college and now I have had several incidents where ignorance has emerged again and that anxiety comes back as I feel like I have to do more. There are times I walk or wheel into a room and the mood changes, people panic not knowing how to act, I am not what they are expecting, voices get a little higher and a little louder. There have been times where I have been the person in charge but made to feel like I couldn’t possibly be the leader in the situation. I have been talked past or around, and I have been passed up for an introductory handshake that was offered to everyone else in the room. I have learned that the word inclusion is often just a fun buzz word we like to throw around. I do my best to focus on what I know to be true and focus on knowing my own strengths and abilities. Sometimes it’s just hard and frankly, it hurts. All of these things bubble up to the surface occasionally. It makes you wonder if any of the work you’ve put in and obstacles will ever be enough.
Through ALL of this though God has been present. He’s how I do it. As all of this has been weighing me down lately. I have sat with it, and God has sat next to me. I have realized that I have all too often, especially in the last few years, let the way people see me and feel about me negatively impact the way I feel about me. I have let others’ doubts become my doubts. That is not okay.
I write this because someone else out there might be struggling with this too, whether it’s a disability like me or not, we all have something. Maybe you’ve let others’ doubts and other negative experiences lead you to back down from an opportunity. Maybe you’ve let it convince you that you are not worthy of something or you don’t deserve it or you just aren’t good enough. Maybe you’ve reached a point where you are at a crossroads. Maybe right now it’s not these negative experiences created by others that are in your way; it might be you letting their impact cause you to self sabatoge. All too often when it comes to God’s plan for our lives it is us standing in our own way not keeping the faith, not trusting and believing that despite what anyone thinks about us, if God wants something to happen it is going to happen.
Well, these are the things I know to be true. God says we are enough ( 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10). When I am feeling down on myself. I think about the fact that the same God that created all of the wonders of this world decided you and I were also worthy of creation. If God is for us nothing can stop us, if he’s put a calling or an opportunity in front of you, go for it (Acts 5:39, Romans 8:28). He is always working even when we don’t see it, so don’t give up (Philippians 1:6). Finally, he loves us and wants us to bring the things that are heavy to him to help carry (Isaiah 41:13, Matthew 11:28-30).